Today

I’ve been asking myself what reasons I have to write. Why exactly have I ever felt compelled to spill my guts on paper (or online) and be accountable for the consequences of that, good or bad? I’ve been asking myself because I try to avoid the anxiety of writing. I work hard to steer clear of dealing with my demons, my guilt, and my inconsistencies in general. I’ve been asking myself to start writing every day, even just something like this, since I stopped publishing to this blog however long ago it was. Far to long.

I write in a notebook from time to time. I scribble down notes here and there. Heck, every now and then I even get a great draft of something I felt was going to be a serious thing. But, then I find that reason, any reason really, to let the guilt and doubt slip back in and give me a chance to avoid going after my passion and in turn stomp on my own creative dreams. Why do I do that?

Well, lately I think I’ve been getting to the bottom of where my anxiety and negative self talk comes into play for a very specific reason. It isn’t a part of me that is mean, or angry, or any of that – I can use those emotions to my advantage creatively. It’s a part of me that’s still a child, likely. A part of me that does these seemingly ridiculous, self-destructive things to protect me. That part just happens to be misinformed.

So, I’ve been talking to that self in me. Asking that part if it’s okay to re-frame the actions it habitually takes and instead turn them into an action that will benefit all of the me’s inside this crazy head of mine. After all this time I’ve been beating myself up for not fitting in and having these ideas that make people uncomfortable because it confronts things they don’t want to deal with. Turns out, this is my strongest attribute; even more so than my talents.

Other people may be culpable in creating this me; doesn’t matter. They don’t have any motivation to change that anyhow. Only I do. And, I may have made a lot of ass backwards decisions that got me in trouble or brought me to new lows; that doesn’t matter either. Well, it counts for getting me to where I am at least. And I wouldn’t trade all that hurt and heartache for anything right now. I’m broken and it’s amazing.

So I’m asking myself right now to make a promise. Today, not tomorrow, I will write something and post it, at least here on this blog, every day. I’m not going to judge it, or get anxious about it, or even have any other expectations of it besides that it’s every day. I plan to write other things, and create whatever comes to mind with a goal and purpose, but that’s not a requirement or excuse for me to back down on the promise I’m making right now.

I’m going to confront my fears.

Today.

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2 Responses to “Today”

  1. Christina Bourgeois Says:

    Good to see you back 🙂

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