Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

Promises Otherwise Unkept

May 3, 2017

So a promise is sacred, at least in maintaining relationships. But, I guess we don’t ever really get away from ourselves… unless we lose it, and I’ve lost it a few times; had to find my way back*. Anyone who has accomplished this feat of mental health jujitsu understands, basically how not easy the process is

Mostly, because we are dicks to ourselves. Overly critical.

We hold the past against ourselves, even as we say aloud we won’t. We let things hurt because, with a smile we allow the sadness of everything within proximity a piggy back ride. We have settled time and again for our “lot in life.” We said we weren’t going to let ourselves do that again.

We make ourselves promises and wonder in the moment if we even mean it. Such a cynical way to set goals and motivate. It’s amazing we get anything accomplished at all really. It’s hard to stop the negative self talk when you are stared in the face by your irrational decision making… and fully get that it’s irrational.

Because, this is who we are – or, at least that’s what we have cut our selves short for in order to fill the role. It’s lazy. We know it. But, confronting that backlog of shit we didn’t do, couldn’t do, wouldn’t do and so on is a tough mother fucker to sort out. There are emotions we want to avoid and faces known now only by memory. Longing. Regret.

I say “we” in hopes to reach out, express that someone else understands, and for myself because I don’t want to believe that I’m alone. At the very least some culpability in future promises kept.

 

*Going back, yet recalling the fact that you cannot unexperience/unsee things.

Other Days

February 8, 2017

Tired man waking up in the morning

Some days are a little rougher than other days. Getting out of bed, or waking from a binge watching coma on those other days can be a struggle. It felt mucky there in the swamp of self-pity, a hangover of the soul. His mind was already consumed with each step of each task for the day and beyond, and in-between. Things that needed to be done and those which should have already been.

He re-planned it all again, it felt like a giant tome of great enlightenment lay over his body, weighing him down; challenging him and chastising him simultaneously. There was no doubt in his mind that procrastination was the clasp, insecurity the padlock on that book. Opening it was enticing, but avoiding failure was much simpler process.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply in threw his nose, hefty out from a mouth full of aweful breath. Counting in his head, he promised himself he would pick a number to get up on. 34, 35, 36, 37, get up. 38, 39, get up. Another big breath and he flung the pilled, faded blanket aside and shut up off the mattress on the floor.

Steps for today’s activities played over in his head with minor revisions and complete re-writes.

Depression Can Kiss My Ass

April 2, 2014
Be sad, but get back up again - QUICK!

Bad days happen… Don’t let them define you.

I have spent a great deal of my life “depressed”. I avoided so many things that I regret not being part of because I was afraid. This is something that I recently made a decision to change.

Taking life one little chunk at a time, and confronting those fears that kept me locked inside myself is a priority. I hold myself accountable for taking small, manageable steps in this direction. Instead of blaming others for not getting what I want out of life, or being envious of what people have – I worry about myself. I celebrate everyone else’s successes and offer support to those who feel like things are just to tough.

What I have learned from this self-development is that depression for me isn’t some chemical imbalance or inherited disorder. It is bad programming and years of living absolutely the opposite of who I am. It is denying what I really want out of life and holding this against people who live freely. It is a toxic environment of ignorance imposed upon a young mind that grows up distorted and guarded.

It’s not cynicism that keeps people locked in depression, because I still look at life through these lenses. I won’t change that – because my view is real and honest. It’s the hateful negativity from outside, building up inside, so you wind up telling yourself you can’t be who you want to be or go where you want to go. You really start to believe it – and lots of people may tell you how you need to change.

All that is bullshit. It may be hard, but you need to decide how to change for yourself. There is no single formula, but I can say for sure that if there is a market for some canned response to any problem one may have, well then, you’re probably going to get lied to.

So it’s up to you to decide what reality means. It’s up to you to decide what your going to do about it. It’s up to you to decide which direction you are going to go. No right. No wrong. Just decide.

The way I want my path to develop and how I traverse that path may not be anywhere near yours or anyone else’s. However, I can tell you one thing (and it may not be what some people want to hear) with certainty:

Depression is bullshit.


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